Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Being an Irresponsible Shopaholic


First, happy new year, everyone! My resolution is to be more on top of my shit, so I've been making checklists. I’ll add “updating blog regularly” to that… There is just something so fulfilling about crossing something off a checklist. Actually, there’s just something so fulfilling about lists in general.
            For example, here is a list of little things that play a big role in my life:
1.)    Red skittles
2.)    Hula hoops
3.)    A blow dryer
4.)    Bubbles
5.)    Bubble bath
6.)    Salsa
7.)    Parenthetical phrases
            Without this list, no one would know the true meaning of my phrase “little things” but me. Don’t you just love ambiguous wording? It’s difficult for me to be deliberately ambiguous without explaining myself. English major problems. Anyway, a lot of people might think I mean friendship or love. Those things play a big role too, but unfortunately they are not things one can find at one of my most favorite places in the world. Target. (Well, parenthetical phrases aren’t at Target either, but if they were eligible for retail, I am thoroughly convinced they would be.)
            I go to Target for everything. Scratch that. Target does not sell French bread. However, French bread is not on my list of little things that play a big role in my life But if French bread was at Target, it would be on my list. (Please consider this, Target.) So as the new year rolled around and I found myself craving these trivial items, the local Target had the pleasure of my presence on numerous occasions. Yet, there was one other thing the new year brought, and that was the tax on plastic bags.
            As a sales associate, I know that people suck. Charging them ten cents for a plastic bag just makes them suck more. Because they get angry. And it’s ten cents. For a plastic bag. I can’t feign compassion for that many people. I just can’t. So I was pleasantly surprised to find that retail does not have to charge for plastic bags. I make so many people happy when I tell them that they can have a bag for free. It almost makes up for their coupons not working.
            So I work around four days a week. On average I get asked maybe five times per shift if Macy’s charges for plastic bags. Maybe five times per shift I politely explain that only grocery stores, Target, and Walmart charge for plastic bags. That’s about twenty times a week I give that spiel. Obviously, I am fully aware that Target does not give out bags anymore.
            I can’t even count how many times I’ve been to Target since the bag law started. Just to buy those little things previously mentioned. They are literally little things. Not easy to juggle. So one would think that I would remember to bring one of my many reusable totes with me into the store. In fact, knowing my turtle car, one would think I would just stow them in my trunk.
            But is that the case?
            Unfortunately, friends, it is not.
            What happens is this:
1.)    I walk into Target with a definitive shopping list.
2.)    After gathering items on the list into my basket, I proceed to walk around the store.
3.)    I usually garner things like: nail polish, Cheez-its, a pair of socks, some sort of cosmetic item, and a pack of gum.
4.)    I proceed to the checkout where the person in front of me is loading her groceries into a reusable tote while politely nodding to the associate who is rambling on about the red card.
5.)    I hiss “Shit the fucking bag law!” discreetly.
6.)    I ignore the associate until he/she smugly asks “Do you need a bag?”
7.)    I reply “No” and juggle my items with as much dignity as possible, ignoring the skeptical looks.
            The icing on the cake is when they call after my retreating back that they will not reimburse me if any of my items break en route to my car.
            Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s wonderful that we’re trying to reduce plastic waste while raising revenue. It’s a great way to kill two birds with one stone (although, there are many assholes like me who will not deign to squander ten cents to facilitate grocery transportation, so who knows how productive the revenue portion is).
            BUT WHY THE FUCK CAN I NOT REMEMBER TO BRING MY REUSABLE BAGS.
Ugh.
~ToriannaLamba