Closing Time

"Attention Macy's shoppers! The time is 9:00, and Macy's is now closed..."
Don't pretend like you can't hear the announcement. It's broadcasted over the bloody PA system. The only thing that pretending not to hear is going to do is make me come over there and personally kick you out of the store. And I'll do it. I'd be most happy to do it.
(NOTE:I have only ever had one deaf customer. If that is you, this does not apply.)
Do not go into the dressing room and try on three more tops. Because I will take the clipboard, unlock the door, and pull your half-naked ass down the escalator and throw you into the dark parking lot. I'll keep your shirt too. Do not approach me with a stack of items you have been hoarding since 8:15. If you were ready to purchase at 8:15, you should have done so and left. You would have taken up less space in my area, and I could have focused on folding cardigans instead of vaulting the jeans display every time you meandered past the counter, looking like you were about to purchase something. Once the clock strikes nine, I will not ring you up. I will jump for joy, do cartwheels up and down the fitting rooms, and dance around the clearance racks, but I refuse to ring you up.
Of course there are exceptions. There are always exceptions. If I haven't made my goal in a week and I'm currently at 97-99% and you have five or less items and you beg me to ring you up, I might consider it. If you are deaf, I will allow it. If you are an incredibly handsome man, I will probably go out of my way. "Probably" being the elastic clause. I will not help you if you are a douchebag. If you're a coworker WHOM I LIKE, I will help you. If you open a Macy's card, I will help you. If I am feeling especially merciful, I will deign to help you. But I'm not one for feeling merciful these days.
Do not approach me with a return. I will rip your head off.
Do not complain to me that the doors are locked. What do you want me to do about it? I obviously didn't do it. I was up here, watching your saggy ass totter around my department for the last hour and a half. I don't have the key. I don't have industrial strength capable of bending steel doors. I don't have heat vision. Your only option (and I mean only) is to exit the employee entrance. If that's not near where you parked, get over it. Park next to the employee exit if you're one of those assholes who shops until closing and then panics because the lights turn off. But fair warning: if you are that asshole, I will find you. And destroy you.
Do not ask me to call another Macy's and have them put something on hold. If that item is clearance, just walk away. (That rule applies for any time of day.) Believe it or not, dear customer, all Macy's locations close at 9. We don't do this because we're cruel, morning people who wish to avenge our earlybird ways. We do this because studies show that most normal people prefer to get their shopping done when the sun is up. Don't ask me why. Maybe they prefer the night for things like sleeping, eating dinner, spending time with their families, etc. Maybe they like to have enough light so they can see where they parked.
As a general rule of thumb, don't approach me at closing time at all. Just don't. I will give you my best bitchface to deter you as much as possible. And if that doesn't scare you, you must have a high fear tolerance. I may be speaking to you in my friendly-customer-I'm-the-happiest-associate-ever voice, but on the inside, I'm throwing mental darts at your head. Just look at the eyes. The sharp, pointy, Asian eyes.

Happy (daytime) Shopping!

ToriannaLamba