The Pros and Cons of Driving With the Windows Rolled Down

I know this is weird, but I only like rain in the winter. Clouds are socially acceptable any time between October and March. Otherwise, it should be sunny and warm. My demands are reasonable enough, don't you think? Luckily for Helios, the weather is so nice this week. I don't care if you're a fucking god, I will have my sun. In the words of Beyonce, "You ain't never seen a fire like the one I'm gonna cause." She was referring to her man cheating on her, though. I am referring to the sun. But the feelings are the same.

So, since the sun is, in fact, in the sky, and you don't see the heavens alight with my pasty-skinned fury, obviously Helios is doing his job. Which means several good things... 1. Tanning. 2. Sunglasses, shorts, spaghetti straps, army pants and flip flops, etc. 3. Driving with the windows rolled down. We are talking about the last item because I don't want to be chastised on consumerism and skin cancer, and because I did something really dumb today.

So, let's begin with some Pros:

1. Fresh Air

Obviously. But for a more personal case, say you own a '92 Ford Mustang convertible named El Guapo and all the shade spots always get swooped at the college you happen to attend, so poor El Guap is forced to bake in the sun during those summer months. It gets fucking hot, okay? Like, hotter than any other car, I'm pretty positive. If you beg to differ, then I refer you back to that Beyonce quote previously mentioned. Furthermore, I'm pretty sure his air conditioning is shot, and I'm not about to risk the well-being of my only mode of transportation to find out. I'm perfectly fine playing up the role of cute teenager in a red convertible bombing down the freeway with the windows rolled down. The top would be down too, but I'm not sure if that works either. Anyway, rolling down the windows after your car has been silently cooking in a parking lot for a couple of hours, kicking the air-freshener-saturated air out and inviting the moving, not-so-stale air in, is one of the best parts about owning a car that's older than you.

2. Gross Smells

Sometimes, as Old El Paso says, "You Gotta Have Mexican." Sometimes, like Old El Paso doesn't say, you shouldn't have Mexican. Right, so that came out totally disgusting and you are all probably thinking I get terrible gas and never want to eat burritos with me again, but I honestly was thinking about leftovers... But I'm NOT going to edit that because gas works too. Whether you stink yourself out or you have that friend who has a fatal attraction to chilaquiles, working windows are there to rescue you. On a less nose-wrinkling note, nothing stays in your car more than leftover food smells. One time, my boss asked me to pick her up some Greek food. El Guap smelled like gyros for days, despite the Caribbean Sunset pink penguin air freshener I got from Bath and Body Works. And it was fucking raining, so I had to tough it out.

3. Showing Off Your Vocal Talent

I've been told that my voice closely resembles that of an angel, but who am I to brag about it? HAHA JUST KIDDING. I belt it out, even when I have a sore throat and sound like a strangled toad, which is what I encourage everyone to do. Unless you are a terrible driver. Focus on the road, in that case. If I could, though, I'd audition to American Idol that way because, quite frankly, I feel most comfortable singing in the car. Maybe I'll get discovered through a police scanner...who knows? Until then, I share my pipes and bomb ass flow with the fellow drivers on the road. I'm white. I can rap. Get used to it. Also, if you are a terrible singer and you share that with other drivers, I will admit, this is one of the few times I won't judge you. You should know that I don't do this very often and I want to invite you to have lunch with me everyday of the week--oops, I get carried away. But seriously, take advantage of the situation. This is not to say other drivers will be so nice.

4. Scaring Pedestrians

I don't think this bears further explanation.

Alrighty, now let's get into the nitty-gritty. Con time.

1. The 5-0.

As previously stated, I have mad flow. You know who doesn't care? The cops. Just a word of warning, if you are passing a cop and you are blasting Wiz Khalifa, stop rapping. Just stop. I'm pretty sure they know all of the euphemisms for weed, and you are not fooling anybody. Even if you are the most unsuspecting person in the world, like an adorable half Asian driving an old red Mustang fraught with Hello Kitty stickers. If you are rapping Snoop Dogg, turn that shit off as fast as you can. The term "pig" feels just as unflattering as it sounds. If someone (other than myself) calls me a pig, I shall again refer them to the Beyonce quote at the beginning of this post.

2. Insects

If you think bugs are gross when you're stationary, then you will think they are ten times worse whilst moving. The other day, a ladybug flew into my sunglasses. I felt terrible. Also, I couldn't see, but surprisingly, that thought came after the initial, "I JUST KILLED A LADYBUG!" emotional trauma. Um, bees. They make bigger splats than the average insect. Plus, when you kill bees, you pretty much feel like you killed a flower and Pooh Bear, both of which give you that emotional trauma previously stated. Don't even get me started on the distress I get when I murder a butterfly. Oddly enough, these feelings only arise when the windows are down, because I'm the cause of impact, rather than the windshield--and, for the record, I only get pissed when insects die there because who has to clean it? This girl right here.

3. Aggressive Drivers

Referring to myself, admittedly. When the windows are rolled up, and you're nestled in your little safe haven of a car, you forget that other people can actually hurt you. You get used to saying whatever you want. Needless to say, I am an incredibly aggressive driver. I imagine I sound somewhat similar to my Macy's rants. Now imagine if you were on the receiving end of that. I just annihilated your self-esteem, or I just really pissed you off. Luckily, big, buff, scary people tend to be good drivers (at least while driving next to me), and I've never had to use that mace my daddy gave me. BUT today, while ranting about the asshole who had just cut me off, I was overheard by everyone around me, including asshole-man and the cop to my right. After assuring him through my glorious open window that I was just an angry person on the inside and I swear that doesn't come through in my driving, the light turned green and I drove away as quickly as the speed limit and asshole-man would permit. Obviously he didn't believe me, though, because he pulled behind me and kept a close watch, which meant Snoop Dogg had to wait.

The pros outweigh the cons, though, so I'm going to continue to roll my windows down and sing at the top of my lungs, and I encourage you all to do the same. Just not if you live in Oakland. Also, upload some Enya or Amy Grant for when the cops cruise by, and try to control your temper? Yeah, I said it. You have permission to laugh at the hypocrisy. Just know that I sure as hell won't be following my own advice. Whatever, I mean, do what you want.

Hope you all have many more days worthy of rolled-down windows!

ToriannaLamba