Unfortunately for me (and maybe all of the stupid customers I encounter) I am a sales associate at Macy's. And we're so damn good to our customers. If you don't think we are, you're probably that one person who keeps writing complaints about our service. We read those complaints in our morning rallies. We. Read. Them. And then we are forced to change. As you may glean in time from my posts, I do not like change. If you are said person, I urge you to remain anonymous. Don't tempt me to find you.
Does anyone know what a presale is? If you don't, have no fear. Neither do half of our associates. Allow me to explain in five simple steps. 1. You select your merchandise of choice. 2. You walk up to the register where I ring you up. 3. I scan a 25% coupon, and you thank me graciously. 4. I put your merchandise in a bag. This step is very important. YOU DO NOT TAKE IT HOME, BITCH. That shit stays with me until the event ends. 5. You go home and do not come back and bother me until it is time to pick up your shit. Got it? I'm sure you do, brainiac. Maybe you should be working at Macy's instead of the associate I was working with today. Why would you tell somebody to presale stuff if you didn't know what a fucking presale is? I don't understand the theory of relativity; therefore, I don't talk about it. Shouldn't that be the rule of thumb for work stuff too? I didn't open a Macy's credit card for like three weeks because I didn't know shit about it. It's common sense. It's a basic fucking syllogism.
Today this lady wanted to buy swimwear for her granddaughter and her granddaughter's friend. The associate whom I was working with told me she was helping them and that they wanted to presale. I proceeded through steps 1-3 without a problem. Then she grabbed the bag from me and attempted to flee the premises. That's step number four, bitch. Quickly attempting to amend my "WTF?!" face, I nicely told her that her shit is mine until the 25th. She asked me why she couldn't take it home. Okay, let's think about it. Presale. PREsale. I'm no etymology major, but the prefix "pre" means "before," doesn't it? Um, yes. It does. That is why you pay for it now. Otherwise we'd just call it "sale." We have those too, you know.
Speaking of prefixes, there's a nifty one by the name of "post." Like "postsale," meaning the worst possible time to tell me you didn't want to presale.While you were watching me stick CRLs and detach sensors from your shit, I was informing you that you could pick up your stuff on the 25th of April, which, if we know the days of the week, is not today. Shouldn't that strike you as odd if you don't know what a presale is? Shouldn't that compel you to ask a question, like, "Why would I be picking this up on the 25th? Can't I take it home now?" That would let me know that you do not know what the fuck a presale is and I could look innocently at the associate who was helping you and say, "Why, didn't she inform you about all of the steps of the presale when she was helping you?" To which they would answer, "No." And then I would cancel the sale and do that shit under my number and make my sales goal and cackle madly in the employee break room. Obviously if you didn't hear me say that detail about the 25th, you get distracted too easily.
But no judgment there. I do too. Especially in sports bars where they have like five different TVs with different sports and everyone's moving so fast and the jerseys are so colorful and--anyway...
At least I know when to tune back in. For example, when people ask me to sign something, I pay attention. That was her last chance to stop me from completing the sale. If picking shit up on the 25th sounds fishy, do not sign the signature pad and pay 128.84 for merchandise you cannot pick up. On a side note, if this Macy's is not a convenient location for you, why are you shopping here and wasting my time? Go to your own fucking local Macy's. I'm sure they'll be much nicer because they have to see your face more. I had to void that lady's transaction and she was all butthurt because she had to use a 20% off coupon rather than a 25%.
And then she tried to make off with my coupons.
I'm sorry, that says "Friends and Family," You are neither, bitch.
Now, I encourage you to go forth to your friendly neighborhood Macy's and tell any associate you may find what you've learned here today. I bet you this is the first time most of them have ever been informed. It makes you a better person, and they'll thank you for it. Or they'll scoff and call you a pretentious bitch after you leave. Most of them won't, though, because most of them are nicer than me. To customers, anyway.
Until the next time I work,
ToriannaLamba
This post is AWESOME and PRICELESS!!! :)
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