The name even sounds gross. Do you really want to buy a salvaged item? You shouldn't. Because I don't want to sell it to you. So go away and don't come back until you find something full-priced and expensive...or if you want to open a Macy's card.
This lady came up to me the other day with a neon orange Michael Kors top, wanting to know the price. First, who likes neon orange? Besides Michael Kors. Second, go to the price scanner, bitch. The sign above my head specifically says, "Make a purchase." Unfortunately, when I scan it, it comes up as .01. Which means it's salvaged. So I tell her the item was a return and now the merchandise is so old, it's no longer in our system.
She gives me a blank look.
What part of that is difficult to understand? Return. Old. Not for sale.
Oh, but she really wants it.
Fine, I tell her. Then it will be 65% off the ticket price, final sale. She looks at me expectantly. So I take out my ancient artifact of a calculator that all associates come equipped with and tell her it will be 24.50. She frowns and tells me that's not a salvage price. Oh, forgive me. Can you do math better than an Asian person with a calculator? Didn't think so. I show her the operating window in the calculator, assuming she knows simple math.
She shakes her head and tells me that she doesn't think that's how the sale of a salvaged item works. Excuse me? Five fucking minutes ago, you didn't even know what a salvaged item was. Don't you tell me how to sell salvaged items. I went to MAGIC training, bitch. I know how to sell, and last time I checked, your name tag was not red. Oh wait, you don't have a name tag. That means you do not work for Macy's and should not be telling me how to do my job.
In nicer terms, I explain that this is a Michael Kors top, not reduced in any way, and this is the fucking cheapest it is ever going to get. So, you can either buy the top for the ungodly price of $24.50, or give up, hang your head in shame, and reluctantly accept the fact that Nicki Minaj was indeed right--you could NOT get Michael Kors if you was fucking Michael Kors.
So she takes her top and stomps off to a different register where they will undoubtedly tell her the same thing. Even if it was a Michael Kors top, though, why would you want to wear something that's been returned? You can wash it all you want. I don't care. Just the fact that it once belonged to someone else, even for a second, makes it gross. I'm a very possessive person, I think. Even so, you don't know what the first person did in that shirt.
They could have gone out dancing, which means all of their nasty sweat, along with whomever's sweat they danced with, is all mixed together on that top. Dude, I don't even like my own sweat. Someone else's is out of the question.
They could be a really messy eater. What if they ate a meal in that top? When people eat and food falls out of their mouth, it is basically like they're throwing it up. That means you've got someone else's barf all over you now. Enjoy that.
It could've just been sitting in their closet this whole time. Not an entirely bad thought. Until you think about what else might have been in that closet. Maybe they were extremely cruel and locked their pets in the closet. Ever wonder what that funny smell that never comes out of your salvaged Michael Kors top is? Bam. Cat pee. Maybe they were a psychotic murderer who kept their victims in the closet. Do you really want that on your conscience?
Maybe a whole bunch of people have returned that top. Think of all the disgusting things each of those people could have done in that top. Even just while trying it on. What if one of them was a nose-picker?
Maybe they stole the top from your friendly neighborhood Macy's. Maybe they raised a big stink with a manager when they tried to return it, so the manager let them get away with it and now you bought a stolen top. Way to go, a-hole.
Anyway, now you all know how salvaged items work. 65% off ticket price. It ain't getting any cheaper, so don't ask. If you don't like it, find something cheaper that you can return and that won't make your sales associates mad at you. If that doesn't make you happy, you can always try Sears.
Think about that.
ToriannaLamba
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